Hey, Look at me!
Every child needs attention and they will demand it one way or another. If they are not getting the positive attention that is healthy for them, they will act out in ways to gain any attention. Being yelled at or punished is better than being ignored.If your child's behavior has been found to be an attention seeking behavior, the child will need more positive attention while negative behaviors with the attention seeking drive will need to be ignored. You must remember to ignore the behavior but not ignore the child, which is called actively ignoring. It takes a while (days or weeks) to ignore a behavior to extinction, and the behavior will most likely intensify before it is extinguished.
Example: Johnny is sent to his room for making a bad choice, he does not want to be alone in his room, so he begins to throw his toys around, tear the blankets off his bed and empties the clothes from his dresser. He is expecting a parent to come in and yell about the mess that he is making and maybe even expecting them to pick it up. When you see him making the mess, don't give him eye contact. Say to someone else in the house or on the telephone, "I really like the way you keep your room clean, Sara. You always put things back where they belong, that's a great idea!" Johnny may scream and try to make a bigger mess but you cannot give him the attention for it. Once he is calm, you can calmly say, "I like how calm you are being, once your room is clean we can spend some time together reading (or some other preferred activity)". You may need to give a little encouragement during the clean up but don't talk about how the room got messed up in the first place. When the room is clean, give him a hug (if he permits hugs) and a big smile. Talk about the original bad choice that got him sent to his room and about how he is expected to act next time, then read with him as promised earlier.
Example: Johnny knows it upsets his parents when they see him hit himself or bite himself, so he does it when he is sent to timeout. You must not make eye contact or talk to him. Remain nearby and watch him from the corner of your eye. It is very likely that he will NOT cause himself serious harm. This can be painful to watch and ignore because he might scream that it hurts. If he draws blood or it seems too serious to ignore, you should step in quietly and restrain him without giving him eye contact or talking to him. In most case you shouldn't have to step in and restrain him. After he sees that you are unaffected by him hurting himself he will stop.
Once you have a behavioral plan set up at home, both parents need to follow it and you should let your child's teacher know how you handle different situations so when they occur at school they can be handled in the same manner. The consistency will help your child learn how to make the right choices faster. Some of these behavior suggestions might sound cold or uncaring, but it does your child more harm to not discipline them and not teach them how to make good choices. They already have a disadvantage socially, you need to help them understand how to behave so other children will be able to play with them and enjoy their company.
